3 Ways to Stay in Love as Parents
As parents, you know it is sometimes a challenge to get through a day, let alone find time to focus on love for your partner. I am certain you will benefit from Joey’s tips. Three Ways to Stay in Love During Parenthood will help you find that focus and return to the level of love you experienced at the start of your relationship.
Joey Mowery is a marriage counselor and relationship blogger. He writes about mental health, love, and video games at The Couch Co-Op Relationship Blog at www.joeymowery.com. I’m super excited that he agreed to share some of his knowledge and expertise.
3 Ways to Stay in Love
Children are great. If they weren’t, the human race would have died out a long time ago. As amazing as they are, however, they can bring about a lot of disruption in the lives of their parents. It makes sense in a way; children rely on you for everything from eating, to comfort, to hygiene. That’s a lot of pressure, and with pressure comes stress. Stress that can damage a relationship.
There must be a way to protect ourselves from our marriages collapsing under their own weight, right? Yes, actually; it’s pretty simple (like how climbing Mt. Everest is simple: Just go up and you’ll reach the top eventually!) Make sure that your connection is primary, secure, and vulnerable!
The Primary Relationship
We all know where babies come from, right? If it weren’t for you and your partner, your child would not be here. Your relationship with your partner came first; and it needs to come first.
What does this look like?
When I am talking to couples, one of the first assignments I give them is to go out on a date. Easy enough, right?
While you’re on this date you aren’t allowed to talk about work or the kids.
Yikes.
One of the easiest traps we fall into as parents is making our children the central point of our lives. Our hobbies? Kids. Our passions? Kids. Our friends? Other parents. What do we talk about? Our kids. We start to lose sight of the people we were before we reproduced, and after a while we look up and realize that not only do we not know our partners anymore, but we don’t know ourselves.
So make time to spend with your partner. As partners, not parents. And if you have trouble, here’s another free tip: let it be weird. Lean into the discomfort, and let that inspire you to start learning about your partner and falling in love with them all over again!
If you don’t know when you could possibly add quality time with just you and your partner, consider implementing some evening routines that will have the kids in bed, and give you and your partner free to connect one on one.
A Secure Relationship
I’m going to give you some advice that may seem both super-obvious and counterintuitive at the same time: if you want to be a great parent, love your partner first. Your relationship with your partner creates the context that your child will grow up seeing. Make sure that what they see is a couple in love!
Security in your relationship can take many forms, but at its most basic it simply means that nothing can tear you apart. You’re going to fight; but you fight like you love each other. You’re going to hurt each other, but you repair the damage as soon as you see it. You’re going to drift apart, but you find your way back.
Stay tuned in to your own needs, as well as your partners, and your relationship will grow its roots deep. Deep roots make for a stable home. A stable home makes for an awesome family life!
A Vulnerable Relationship
In my work with couples, I always stress the importance of vulnerability; that in order to be truly loved, you have to be truly honest. Not only with your partner, but with yourself.
Brené Brown, the world’s pre-eminent expert on shame and vulnerability gave a great TED Talk on vulnerability; frankly, she can explain it far better than I can!
Related: 5 Fantastic Family Finance TED Talks You Need To Watch
Genuineness is essential in a relationship. It is impossible to know what your partner is thinking at any given moment, and they don’t know what you’re thinking either. The only way to be truly known in your relationship is to allow yourself to be vulnerable to your partner. Vulnerability is all about giving your partner the opportunity to hurt you because you have faith that they will do their best not to!
Surviving Parenthood
So there you have it: three tips for making sure your relationship is set up to survive parenthood!
How do you make sure that your relationship is primary, secure, and vulnerable? Leave a comment!
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A great reminder to make time for each other when possible. My husband and I are lucky to have family who are happy to watch our kids for us so we can have a date night.
You are so lucky to have supportive family nearby to lend a hand! We live about 4 hours from any family, so don’t have that option any longer. It’s great that your kids will make great memories during that time spent with family!
Very good post so much food for thought here! Thanks for sharing!
This reminds me of a workshop my husband and I took before we got married. The facilitator was a marriage counselor as well, and the key thing I took away was: “Time, Talk, Touch”. These are the most important things that people go looking for when they start to drift away from each other in a marriage. If you think about how people become cheaters or otherwise lose connection with their spouse, it all starts with having enough time, talking it all out, and having that loving touch for one another.
“Time, Talk, Touch” is a great take-away. I’m going to tuck that phrase away in my mind so I can use it to refocus when I feel like Mr. A and I aren’t connecting as much as we need to.
I’ll second that. It’s easy to start drifting when your primary needs aren’t being fulfilled. It’s so important to talk about it when things start to disintegrate. A relationship is built by 1000 tiny bridges; meaning that those small, forgettable moments (light touches, conversations about life, snuggling before bed, etc.) make a relationship unforgettable!
I LOVE this post! “Strong riots make for a stable home”. What great advice!
I’m glad you loved it! 🙂
This is such an important topic! Your relationship is even more important after becoming a parent! Thanks for sharing
Yet it’s so easy to put it on the back burner and just assume it’s going to be there when you need it. A strong relationship is like a plant: if you want it to grow, you have to water it. (I say this looking at my own house plant that is…well, let’s just say I could stand to take my own advice on that one!) 🙂
As a single mom, This post is so special to me. I want to keep all of these tips in mind as I date for a potential mate. Thank you for sharing!
Isn’t it great to find these valuable resources before you need them? Instead of “fixing” you can be “preventing”.
Dating as a single parent brings a whole slew of unique challenges as well! I agree with Anna, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure (as the old saying goes!)
Great perspective on this. Bringing a baby into the home can definitely hamper the relationship if you aren’t careful.
Absolutely! It’s such an easy trap to fall into, but it’s so important to leave baby with someone you trust and invest in your relationship!
So True!! Thank you for the guidance provided!
You’re very welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
This is something that is so often put on the back burner but that needs to come first. Thank you so much for thr reminder!
I know I wish I’d seen a reminder after Mr. A and I had our first baby. So glad you found value in the tips.
It’s so tempting because kids require a level of attention that can leave us exhausted. Taking care of your relationship up front can really help you shoulder the burden of taking care of the kiddos. You’re very welcome! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Great ideas! I’ve been married for almost 7 years and the last two since having our LO, have been harder to stay connected.
It can be really tough to stay connected! Intentionality is so important when it comes to making sure you stay on each other’s radar.
I’m glad you found value in these tips. Mr. A and I certainly had an adjustment period after each of our children were born. Sometimes it’s easy to put the adult relationship on autopilot or on hold, but for long term success, it’s essential that we don’t.
Wise guidance!! Important to maintain balance in each relationship, and as entire family!!
Exactly. A family needs to balance priorities. Sometimes it’s hard to remember to prioritize our life partner when parenting and children take such a large commitment.
Absolutely! A family is like a machine: one gear goes out of whack, and the whole thing can fall apart! It’s so important to take care of the primary relationship in order to make sure the kids have the awesome childhood we want them to have!